Concerning Catelin.

.....Ludya called me today and told me that I really ought to stop in and visit Catelin at the hospital. From the tone of her voice it was pretty evident that this was something that should not be put off.

.....After work I went immediately there and met Ross. He is hanging in there as best he can. I gave him a hug and spoke to him all the usual statements that everyone in my situation would as far as offers of support and whatever assistance I could. It is the only thing that those of us who feel pretty helpless really can do. Ross accepted it all with good grace though. I gave him a hug and tried to distract him a while with small talk.

.....Then I went into the room to say hello to Catelin. I was rather shocked. I saw Catelin on Monday. The difference between then and now was the difference between summer and winter. Her face was ashen and she looked at least a dozen years older.

.....The doctors are giving her between one and three days. Catelin is a fighter though, and an extremely stubborn one at that. I bet the she'll continue to kick and scream and fight off that crossing until the last breath is taken from her.

.....They've been increasing the pain medication at a pretty steady pace though. I've seen this scenario a couple of times now. I knew enough not to ask any more questions because I did not want to hear the answers, even though I already knew what they would be. It is amazing how much you can fool yourself into acceptance by just not hearing something you dread, like being a little kid who protects himself from the monsters of the night by pulling the covers over your head.

.....I stayed with Catelin for a while and gave her a small hug. I told myself that I should say my good-byes while I could. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I lasted maybe ten minutes before I had to leave the room. I remember being with Diane during her last few days and I just couldn't bear to go through anything like that again. Is it considered cowardice to think that way?

.....I wandered around the hospital for a little bit to see if I could shake some of the emotions away before going home. I don't even remember the drive. I read e-mail and took care of small, meaningless chores, and then TBT took me out for dinner. She can read me pretty well actually and knew that I needed a distraction and to get away for a while.

.....When I first heard of Catelin going into the hospital back in September, I made TBT promise me that she would not go away before me. It does sound a little over-dramatic, and maybe a little selfish, as I type it. But I mean what I say and don't really care what it sounds like to others.

.....With much love to Catelin and hope for whatever brings her peace and comfort.

.....Aaron / Arontius.