Collecting My Thoughts On Catelin.

.....It was very much a surprise to me this morning when Ross called and let me know that Catelin passed away at around 8:30 AM. I was thoroughly convinced last night that Catelin was going to fight it out for many more days. But TBT reminded me of something that I hadn't taken into account. Catelin is one of those people who is incredibly stubborn, true, but she is also one of those people, whom having decided that she was DONE, would be DONE. And in thinking back I would have to agree that this is probably what happened.

.....Strangely enough the overriding feeling after having listened to Ross was one of relief. I've visited Catelin a number of times over the past several weeks and the common theme was that she HATED being cooped up in a hospital bed with nothing to do but contemplate what was happening and what little she could actually do about it. Catelin was an incredibly bright, intelligent, person. If she didn't have her mind fully engaged in something, she was incredibly bored. She was constantly mentioning how much she wanted to be doing something, anything, even to the point where she was calling into the office for things to do.

.....Ross went into coping mode today and is still working to his list of things to be done. I called him a short time ago and he seemed to be doing O.K. I think it helped that many people paid him visits today to talk about things. He still has days and days of things to be done and arrangements to be made. I keep forgetting to ask when exactly the funeral will be. I should do that the next time I call him.

.....I am very grateful that I followed whatever impulse it was that pushed me into visiting the hospital last night. It had been a long day yesterday at the A&S Gathering in Silverdale. A good day, just long. I was ready to go to bed and kept telling myself that it wouldn't be a big deal to wait until Sunday morning to make a run to the hospital. But something kept niggling at the back of my mind and I made the drive over. I spent some time talking with Ross and gave Catelin a squeeze before leaving. I'm glad I had the chance to do that.

.....It will be hard later, I'm sure. Especially as the funeral date is announced and all of her friends actually gather and speak of our times with Catelin. Especially as the realization hits of what was actually lost. I have many, many memories of her. Many powerful ones that shaped aspects of my life and who I am. I am grateful for her presence in my life and will carry fond memories of her forever. But, wow, once we start talking about all those memories and their impact, it's going to be tough to to maintain.

.....Ross mentioned last night how strange life is. If Catelin and I had met first, things might very well be much different. In reality I wouldn't change what I have now for anything, but there is truth in what he said. Catelin and I had some strong bonds. I will miss her a lot.

.....But for the time being I will concentrate on the fact that she is no longer suffering. That she can go on her next great journey. That Ross can start living life again. Having done practically nothing for the last month and a half or so but tend to her needs, he'll need a little time to re-adjust to living in the regular world again.

.....Aaron / Arontius.