Connecting to 'The Dream' (R)

.....I think that all of us have at one time or another become mesmerized by something we witnessed as part of the SCA. One of those moments where the lines of reality blurred and we could almost feel that we were actually in another place and time, like that mythical Scottish village of Brigadoon that appears for a day out of the mist once every one hundred years. It's this sense of 'magic' I first felt that made me fall in love with the concept of the SCA and become a true follower.

.....Over the years since then I've become one of the janitorial staff for this dream. I perform functions that protect it, clean up the occasional mess, keep it organized, help it grow, etc. It is a necessary function. But what I find is that you become so wrapped in the really mundane aspects of this toil that you sometimes forget that magic that first brought you into this dream. What is worse is that now that you've seen what goes on behind the scenes you find it harder to make yourself connect with what it was the drew you in the first place. His Excellency Cedric has a terrific anecdote for it. He explains it as a magician who amazes you with some sleight-of-hand. Once it is explained and demonstrated to you, the magic of witnessing the trick disappears and it no longer invokes the sense of wonder within you that it did when you first watched it done.

.....Lately I've been thinking about what it will take for me to shake myself out of the mundane cage in which I've placed myself and reconnect with that sense of magic and wonder that drew me in the SCA. I enjoy the research and the recreation of the middle ages. I like studying the history of the people and the places of medieval Europe. But the thing that really makes the goosebumps bubble on my soul is the invocation of the emotions between myself and between people when the true romance of chivalry and honour are engaged. I love the Arthurian Mythos. King Arthur and the Round Table. The Quest for the Holy Grail. These are things that sometimes seem to be missing in today's world, but could do so much to better it if they were present in greater quantity.

.....I've had numerous debates with Mistress Gwenllyn concerning analogies of searching for our own version of the 'Holy Grail'. You define what your own Holy Grail is and then you seek it. Sometimes it is a nebulous thing with no clear boundaries of definition. This is when it becomes a personal frustration. You are attempting to define something within yourself that is more esoteric and without boundaries in the first place.

.....But I'm wandering a bit here. :-) Something I've been discussing with Her Excellency Brighid is the creation of a bit of the quest as part of Her Sargeantry. She Herself has been struggling with the concept of what the Sargeantry is and what it should be in Dragon's Laire for some time. We've been thinking of perhaps injecting a little bit of Arthurian Mythos into the Sargeantry. There would be some questing involved. A little bit of the round table. More personal challenge. I'm liking the outlines of her plan a lot and I hope that it ends up going somewhere. The concept takes the Sargeantry as it currently stands in most Baronies and gives it just a little twist to make it something where the work and the questing doesn't end with the conclusion of the Trials, but continues to challenge the applicant for the remainder of their existence in the group. I'm really excited about the concept. But I'll let Her do the explaining. :-)

.....I'll post more of my personal thoughts on this as they materialize more solidly. :-)

.....Arontius.

My Fathers Day Thoughts.

.....I had a brief conversation with TBT yesterday concerning Fathers' Day. It was something over which I've been mulling. TBT and I have been married for almost a year now and I still do not think of myself as a father, even a step-father. I think of myself as more of TBT's chief side-kick. I keep an eye on Rhys, make sure that he is safe, fed, watched, happy (as best as *I* can :-)), etc. But the heavy relationship lifting I still demur to TBT.

.....I've debated over the reasoning of that in my mind and have come to a couple of conclusions. When I first decided that I needed 'to act like a father' when TBT and I were married, it didn't work out so well. There were a number of unhappy moments and I backed off, especially after doing a little background reading of advice for step-dads.

.....But I think that part of the reason I backed off is the fear that I have the potential to be just like my own dad. He and I are not close, at all. The last time we actually spoke was several years ago. He's spoken more to TBT over the past five years than he has to me and that was in the space of one phone call to her last year. :-)

.....We sent him an invitation to the wedding. He didn't show. I didn't really expect him to do so. I was actually more disappointed when my brother didn't show for the wedding. Sean still lives on the same property with dad out in Sunnyslope. He's quite the character. I haven't spoken with him for a while, but miss him quite a bit. I'm not sure if dad persuaded him not to go or if he didn't feel comfortable about showing up, or ???

.....My dad and I have had a strained relationship our entire lives. His father was an alcoholic and was hard on the kids. Dad's mother left home when he was young, which was a pretty big thing when you consider that this was the 1950's. I remember grand-dad a little and he wasn't exactly a teddy bear, so I have a little understanding of the household in which my father grew up.

.....He is the oldest of three, his two siblings being girls. They are a wild bunch in their own rite. :-) My cousins are all as strange as I am, or were the last time I saw them. I even have one with the exact same name, Michael Aaron Rogers. :-) His mother named him after me as something of a joke and made it official. Hope that he turned out O.K. :-)

.....Dad was always distant. What made it worse is that we never could figure out a way to communicate that didn't involve yelling or throwing things around. Sean always did a lot better with him than I did. They could at least get into the same hobbies. I was always into reading and writing, role-playing games, and music. They could at least go out fishing and hunting and other outdoor type activities.

.....By the time I graduated from High School he and I had absolutely nothing in common. But I like to think that ended up getting away relatively intact. The last couple of years I lived at home I remember Dad, Mom and Sean seeing a family counselor on a regular basis. I don't remember how I got out of being included in those sessions, but I do remember the frustration all of them felt whenever they returned home. Psychologists are not always the best way to go. :-)

.....Dad tried several times to reconnect as I got older. I would often try to meet him half-way. But it seemed to me like we spoke different languages as these attempts would last a couple of months before they would fade away. As we both got older he started getting more intolerant of the way I live my life and I'd just stop talking to him in disgust.

.....I actually wish him well and hope that he is doing O.K. I know that he at least has my brother close by to wish him a Happy Father's Day. Sometimes the well-wishes are the best you can do and you learn to live with that.

.....Aaron.