On Being Married.
Dec. 16th, 2011 01:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
arontius.....I'm on a Live Journal feed for Psychology Today, which had the below article posted:
"6 Reasons It's Good When Grown-Ups Get Married.
Published on October 8, 2011 by Gina Barreca, Ph.D. in Snow White Doesn't Live Here Anymore
Marriage puts your life into an entirely new context, especially if you are fortunate enough to get married as a grown-up. By "grown-up" I mean over age 30.
Getting married as a grown-up implies that you've gone through The Relationship Gauntlet, meaning that you have been beaten down and emotionally flayed by at least a couple of earlier relationships. It can be assumed, then, that you are not entirely naïve about the possible pains as well as pleasures of a committed relationship. You're doing this on purpose; you're not getting married because you can't find a decent place to live on your own or because you found a great white dress on sale.
After 30, you're not getting married just because your friends are, thereby making a wedding the equivalent of everybody getting together after work for appetizers at Applebee's. And, most importantly, you're not getting married because you think somehow it will absolve you from the necessity of forging your own existence.
You've realized, in other words, that the benefits of being in a long-term relationship are as follows:
1. Somebody knows when you don't come at night and he or she can call the police.
2. Somebody will tell you in no uncertain terms if what you're wearing is inappropriate.
3. Somebody has power of attorney.
There are also a few other benefits, which include the following:
1. You can have breakfast and dinner with a consort for whom you don't have to make brilliant conversation (but if you happen to come up with a good line, they'll get the joke).
2. One person knows exactly what you're like when you're at your worst and at your best, and this person will remind you that both are temporary conditions. You'll be supported and encouraged when you're low, but when you're successful, you'll also be reminded - usually with haste - that not only is humility a virtue, it is one you personally should cultivate.
3. You have an ally under all conditions, in all situations. When you're backed into the toughest corner, you know you're not there by yourself.
The future is unknowable and remains unmapped. That's why to have your life's best companion at your side remains essential. Because even if you aren't quite sure where you are, when you are together, you're home."
.....This really rather resonated with me. I passed through my twenties and most of my thirties thinking that marriage was something I didn't need or want at all. I had grown up used to taking care of myself and ensuring that all of my own needs, whether emotional or physical, were met. Room-mates and friends were a big help and greatly appreciated. But when I moved into a house by myself, it was amazing how good it felt to come home to the silence. To everything situated just the way I had left it last. My own, boundaried, world. I thought my life was complete and well-ordered. :-)
.....When I started nearing forty I occasionally mused over what I was missing by not having a long term relationship. I'd never considered the possibilities; and really, never made myself 'presentable' to the possibilities either. :-) But I didn't give it a whole lot of thought.
.....So, cue the moment when dating TBT became a reality. In some ways it was like a lightning bolt striking my life. But in other ways it was something I'd basically been expecting it to happen. Isn't that a strange conundrum? Especially considering how surprised I was that someone of TBT's caliber would even consider going out with someone like me. Reconciling the two vastly different thought processes is something I've never been able to do.
.....I was also someone for whom Arthurian Romance and Tolkienist dreams make up a lot of the way I think, so the entire situation seemed like something totally out of character as well.
.....There is a part of me that wishes I was actually a lot more the romantic in how I relate to TBT, but in reality I think of TBT as my best friend first. The person I can rely upon above all others. Which is why the Psychology Today article above made such total sense. I could have written it. :-)
.....I've basically answered the doubts in my own mind by reminding myself of the following:
.....1.) Love as a concept is a lot more complicated than anyone gives it credit for being. It certainly isn't something that is black-and-white, or something that can be learned from a textbook. It nothing at all like you read in the average fantasy. And is something that is unique to every single person and relationship.
.....2.) Arthurian romances rarely, if ever, ended well at all! Even Tolkienist romance was stiff and reserved for the most part.
.....I guess I just need to practice my own version of 'romance' more. As long as TBT is happy, which will make me happy in the process, that's all that really counts. As much of a cliché as it is, it is still true. :-)
.....Aaron.
"6 Reasons It's Good When Grown-Ups Get Married.
Published on October 8, 2011 by Gina Barreca, Ph.D. in Snow White Doesn't Live Here Anymore
Marriage puts your life into an entirely new context, especially if you are fortunate enough to get married as a grown-up. By "grown-up" I mean over age 30.
Getting married as a grown-up implies that you've gone through The Relationship Gauntlet, meaning that you have been beaten down and emotionally flayed by at least a couple of earlier relationships. It can be assumed, then, that you are not entirely naïve about the possible pains as well as pleasures of a committed relationship. You're doing this on purpose; you're not getting married because you can't find a decent place to live on your own or because you found a great white dress on sale.
After 30, you're not getting married just because your friends are, thereby making a wedding the equivalent of everybody getting together after work for appetizers at Applebee's. And, most importantly, you're not getting married because you think somehow it will absolve you from the necessity of forging your own existence.
You've realized, in other words, that the benefits of being in a long-term relationship are as follows:
1. Somebody knows when you don't come at night and he or she can call the police.
2. Somebody will tell you in no uncertain terms if what you're wearing is inappropriate.
3. Somebody has power of attorney.
There are also a few other benefits, which include the following:
1. You can have breakfast and dinner with a consort for whom you don't have to make brilliant conversation (but if you happen to come up with a good line, they'll get the joke).
2. One person knows exactly what you're like when you're at your worst and at your best, and this person will remind you that both are temporary conditions. You'll be supported and encouraged when you're low, but when you're successful, you'll also be reminded - usually with haste - that not only is humility a virtue, it is one you personally should cultivate.
3. You have an ally under all conditions, in all situations. When you're backed into the toughest corner, you know you're not there by yourself.
The future is unknowable and remains unmapped. That's why to have your life's best companion at your side remains essential. Because even if you aren't quite sure where you are, when you are together, you're home."
.....This really rather resonated with me. I passed through my twenties and most of my thirties thinking that marriage was something I didn't need or want at all. I had grown up used to taking care of myself and ensuring that all of my own needs, whether emotional or physical, were met. Room-mates and friends were a big help and greatly appreciated. But when I moved into a house by myself, it was amazing how good it felt to come home to the silence. To everything situated just the way I had left it last. My own, boundaried, world. I thought my life was complete and well-ordered. :-)
.....When I started nearing forty I occasionally mused over what I was missing by not having a long term relationship. I'd never considered the possibilities; and really, never made myself 'presentable' to the possibilities either. :-) But I didn't give it a whole lot of thought.
.....So, cue the moment when dating TBT became a reality. In some ways it was like a lightning bolt striking my life. But in other ways it was something I'd basically been expecting it to happen. Isn't that a strange conundrum? Especially considering how surprised I was that someone of TBT's caliber would even consider going out with someone like me. Reconciling the two vastly different thought processes is something I've never been able to do.
.....I was also someone for whom Arthurian Romance and Tolkienist dreams make up a lot of the way I think, so the entire situation seemed like something totally out of character as well.
.....There is a part of me that wishes I was actually a lot more the romantic in how I relate to TBT, but in reality I think of TBT as my best friend first. The person I can rely upon above all others. Which is why the Psychology Today article above made such total sense. I could have written it. :-)
.....I've basically answered the doubts in my own mind by reminding myself of the following:
.....1.) Love as a concept is a lot more complicated than anyone gives it credit for being. It certainly isn't something that is black-and-white, or something that can be learned from a textbook. It nothing at all like you read in the average fantasy. And is something that is unique to every single person and relationship.
.....2.) Arthurian romances rarely, if ever, ended well at all! Even Tolkienist romance was stiff and reserved for the most part.
.....I guess I just need to practice my own version of 'romance' more. As long as TBT is happy, which will make me happy in the process, that's all that really counts. As much of a cliché as it is, it is still true. :-)
.....Aaron.
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no subject
Date: 2011-12-16 10:06 pm (UTC)Thank you.
Congratulations! :-)
Date: 2011-12-16 10:39 pm (UTC)Yes, let's be 'different' together. :-)
A.
no subject
Date: 2011-12-16 11:46 pm (UTC)exactly :)
no subject
Date: 2011-12-17 02:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-17 03:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-17 06:49 am (UTC)Luv, ur doin it rite. /LOLCat
Seriously, that's one of the big reasons I think Gabby and I are looking at celebrating our 22nd anniversary next year - first and foremost, we're steadfast bestest friends.
And oh yeah, not having to make brilliant conversation until after the first cup of coffee... that's a big benefit!
no subject
Date: 2011-12-17 01:46 pm (UTC)Anyway, just wanted to point out, and this is the only thing I have a niggle about, you don't have to 'get married' to be married. Just sayin', me, the unmarried, married person :).
Maaaige.
Date: 2011-12-17 01:57 pm (UTC)And that's what makes it right for you, which is perfectly acceptable. Anyone who says differently needs to go and find new friends. :-)
A.